What happens when you hold your breath?
Unfortunately, this post today doesn’t come from a place of positivity. Today was a really bad day… but, I know I need to continue to share the bad along with the good to keep consistent with my own goals & for me to grow, heal, grieve. I know people need to see this, I know they need to hear this… so here it goes.
I’m never quite sure what triggers it, or what makes it “start” per say… I don’t even think I know that it’s “one of those days” when I wake up or anything like that. But, sometimes, as hours progress, I dig myself into a hole that I can’t get myself out of.
I kept myself really busy yesterday. I got home & was exhausted, so I started watching “Forrest Gump” because it’s one of those movies that just kind of make me feel “normal” like it’s a regular night on a regular day in the life of me. I would watch this movie countless times with my brother & sister growing up, so it’s all part of the “routine”.
I couldn’t sleep last night, but I still got up early…. then I laid back down on the couch and went back to sleep for a while. I just couldn’t feel like getting into my regular routine this morning, which typically REALLY stresses me out because I know I have a to do list and my personality really likes to cross everything off. But, I’m working on just remembering to stop & listen to what my body & MIND needs.. & today, I just felt tired… so, I slept.
I went to work & danced, which always feels so natural to me, so it’s never a “hassle”.. but, today.. in between classes, I had to take a little breather & say “you have the choice, Taylor. You have the choice to make this day continue on how you want it to… You can sit with the sadness, but you have to move forward from it, also”..
so, for a couple of hours, I chose to push forward.
Then, I got home. & I knew I had to work out. I knew I would feel better, but I absolutely did NOT want to work out today. I had no clue what workout was on the schedule & I was hoping it was something I could just push through & be done with & check it off the list.
But, life had other plans.
It was Les Mills FLOW- a yoga & stretch day…
It was felling really great, but at one point, the instructor on the DVD said, “find your breath”…
I took a deep breath in & out.
& started crying.
She said “whatever you’re holding on to- physically, emotionally, spiritually- now is the time to let it go”…
It was in that moment that I realized… when I start to feel emotions that I don’t like or things I can’t control… instead of dealing with it or trying to figure out what it is… I hold my breath. I just hold my breath and wait for the ball to drop… I turn a little colder towards those around me & I just shut down…I let the anxiety build up to a point where I no longer can keep a lid on it.
I need to work through this, clearly. It will take some time… & everyday I have to remind myself to “sit with it”… but, some days, I think I need to allow myself more than a few minutes to figure out what is going on… sometimes, it might take a whole day.
No one can hold their breath for a whole day.
Find your breath.
Let it go…..